What Not to Say to Someone Struggling to Get Pregnant (And What to Say Instead)

Infertility is far more common than many people realize—and far more complex than most conversations acknowledge. About one in eight couples will experience difficulty getting pregnant, which means someone you know is likely navigating this quietly, even if they haven’t shared it publicly.

For those on a fertility journey, well-meaning comments often hurt more than they help. Friends, family members, coworkers—even strangers—sometimes offer advice that unintentionally minimizes pain, assigns blame, or oversimplifies a deeply personal medical experience.

As a reproductive endocrinologist, I hear these stories every day. Patients frequently describe comments meant to “encourage” them that instead leave them feeling isolated, misunderstood, or dismissed.

Here are some of the most common things people say to those struggling with infertility—and why it’s better to choose different words.

Why Words Matter During a Fertility Journey

Infertility isn’t caused by stress, mindset, or effort. In many cases, there is a clear medical reason. And even when infertility is unexplained, that doesn’t mean it can be solved with relaxation, diet changes, or positive thinking.

No vacation, meditation app, or lifestyle tweak can replace appropriate medical care when it’s needed. That’s why certain comments—especially unsolicited advice—can feel deeply painful.

What Not to Say to Someone Facing Infertility

“Just do IVF.”

IVF is an incredible medical advancement, but it’s not simple, quick, or guaranteed. It’s also not the first step for everyone. Many patients begin with less invasive treatments, and IVF can be physically, emotionally, and financially demanding.

Suggesting IVF as an easy fix ignores the complexity of fertility treatment and the reality that it doesn’t work for everyone.

“Maybe you’re just not meant to be a parent.”

This one cuts deeply. Telling someone who desperately wants a child that they should give up on that dream is not comforting—it’s devastating.

“Just relax.”

This is one of the most common—and harmful—things people say. It implies that stress is the cause of infertility and places blame on the person trying to conceive. Medical issues cannot be “relaxed away.”

“You can have one of mine.”

Even said jokingly, this minimizes the longing someone feels to have a child of their own. It turns their grief into a punchline.

“You just need to take a vacation.”

While breaks can be healthy, infertility isn’t caused by not resting enough. Suggesting that a getaway will fix a medical issue can feel dismissive and frustrating.

“When you stop thinking about it, it will happen.”

This implies that someone is responsible for their infertility because they care too much. Worse, it can encourage people to delay seeking medical help when early intervention matters.

“Why don’t you just adopt?”

Adoption is a meaningful and beautiful path for many families—but it is not simple, quick, or interchangeable with biological parenthood. Suggesting it as an easy backup plan minimizes both infertility and the adoption process.

“Have you tried…?”

Unless someone explicitly asks for suggestions, this kind of advice usually isn’t helpful. Most people seeking fertility care have already tried everything they could before reaching a specialist.

“We tried for two months—I know how you feel.”

Short-term frustration is real, but it’s not the same as navigating months or years of medical testing, treatments, losses, and uncertainty. Instead of comparing experiences, acknowledge that you can’t fully understand—and that’s okay.

“It could always be worse.”

Pain doesn’t need to be ranked to be valid. This phrase minimizes what someone is experiencing rather than offering comfort.

“Everything happens for a reason.”

This may be meant to reassure, but it often does the opposite. It can reinforce fears that infertility is somehow deserved or inevitable—and that can feel overwhelming.

What to Say Instead: Support Without Fixing

You don’t need the perfect words to be supportive. You just need empathy.

Here are responses that many people navigating infertility say actually help:

• “I know how much you want this.”

• “I’m so sorry this has been such a long road.”

• “That sounds incredibly exhausting.”

• “You would be a wonderful parent.”

• “I’m really hoping this works out for you.”

• “I’m here for you.”

• “How are you holding up right now?”

• “I can’t fix this, but I can listen.”

• “Is there anything I can do to support you?”

Support can also look like small, tangible gestures—bringing a meal during treatment, offering a distraction, or simply checking in without asking for updates.

The Takeaway

When someone is struggling to get pregnant, they don’t need solutions. They need understanding.

Infertility is emotionally complex, medically nuanced, and deeply personal. Offering space, compassion, and validation—without advice or judgment—is one of the kindest things you can do.

You don’t have to say the perfect thing. Showing up with empathy is enough.